Problem with my mum ?

I would begin by trying to look for help and change. Go see a specialist and talk to someone that can get you out of your internal problem. In order to make other people happy YOU need to be happy and before you forgive someone you need to forgive yourself. By you calling yourself a monster it seems to me that you are also angry at yourself. Try to leave the bad things in the past, put your pride aside and move on. When you feel you are ready go see her and prove to her you have change and that you are willing to change your relationship with her. Mothers are mothers and they will always be there for you. Think that maybe shes going through the same thing you are and maybe shes just to proud to be the first one that makes the first move.